rimkuss

03:07 pm - Random Bits

Saw Andrew Bird then Morrissey. Both great shows in different ways.

Went to Alan's grandmother Pre-Easter dinner the Saturday before it. After Alan looked in his parents' garage for various things he had been meaning to take to the apartment. One was a bowel of go stones that had been closed since 1994. When we got home he jokily said that's see if it smells like 1994. We open it to find the snow white stones scattered with drops of blood. Oh, he remarks this is from that night I slit my wrist. I know before we met that he had made two failed suicide attempts. Knowing and seeing bits of evidence that it occurred shocked me then made me thankful that he failed and was still living.

Easter Sunday I pestered him to take me to work. It's usually when I stop and do something else that he finally gets up. Went to the bathroom then walked to the living room were I found me sitting on the futon were he tells me with a big smile “I have risen”. I smile and kiss his forehead. Get to work and celebrate Easter with the boys. I call my family during a break in the day and get homesick. Decided if James and John both show up for their 3-10 shift that I'm taking three hours personal time so I can have Easter with my family. They show up and I leave at 5pm. The first Easter I had with my family in two years.

PM had to have three teeth pulled his week. It was decided in team that I should go with him since for reason he listens to me. It was decided he would make it through the ordeal if he was anethesized. I kept him calm while we waited for the doctor to arrive. Asked him what he might want to do for his birthday and what you think we should do this summer. The doctor walks in and PM goes quiet and watches the doctor closely as he examines PM's X-rays. The doctor asks me if he understands English. I say quite frankly he understands perfectly he's just autistic. I watch the doctor start an IV. I hear PM say “Ouch” then there is a slight panic I his face. I then look straight into his eyes and say “it's ok”. He body goes very still then they put the mask over his face as they tell him to breathe in. I watch his eyes close they tell me to wait outside. I sit in the waiting room thinking I hope he still talks to me after this. An hour or so passes and say that PM is waking up and they'll bring him out soon. The nurse gently leads him out the door to the waiting room. PM looks at me and says “my teeth”. Respond “I know”. We return to the unit. He doesn't want to rest and says he's hungry. I get him some jelly and mashed potatoes. He tries to his pacing around the unit which is a routine of his but has I see him start to stumble I tell him to sit down on the sofa with me. We watch cartoons together till my coworker Chrishawn walks in. For some reason he doesn't care much for him and goes to his room to listen to his radio. Later that afternoon I get him out of his room long enough to talk to his Therapist who brought her dog in to cheer PM up. We watch him examine the dog and the softness of its fur. He then rests in this room till dinner were I make him some Spagettio's I brought from home. I then get to leave at seven since I had to come in early to deal with PM. The boys say goodbye and confirm that I'll be back Sunday.

Now, I'm just waiting for Alan to come home. Writing gibberish.

11:49 am

Hello I signed on meaning to tell you more of the series of the events that somehow make up my life. Got distracted by reading one of the_pretend_me  's journal entries. Now, I'm have played “under pressure” three times in a row http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsSlNFTjxss. Bowie is a god. I don't even care that he's prettier then me ; )

TS is now in the hospital. The walking out of the unit then ironically throwing rocks on the rock road and of course self injury lead to it.

CD moved to his new foster home.

PM seems to be calmer now that there is less noise in the unit.

SB is still obsessed with video games but will go for walks with me at times and will even ask to. Came back from a home visit arguing with his grandmother about painting his nails black then ripping one of his shirts so he could wear it as a vest. His grandmother wants him to listen to things like the high school musical soundtrack. SB isn't attracted to things like that. He wants to be Robert Smith or Angus Young or a combination of the two.

CH is turning 18 in two weeks and won't let anyone forget it.

JJ got into a verbal altercation with one of the other staff. Got real loud and raised his fists at the staff. But this particular staff grew up in East St. Louis and did two tours of duty in the middle east. JJ's IQ maybe low but he was of mind enough not to step out of his room and let it go further than that.

EG is still counting the days till when he leaves in May (due to lack of funding not that he's any better). Behavior at school is getting worse because as he has told me himself “it doesn't matter, I'm leaving anyway”.

JB has been moved up another level in the behavioral plan his therapist has constructed for him. Just needs to move up one more level and he'll be able to move to a less restrictive unit were he'll be able to have a job and just be overall more independent.

Had to work half of my shift in the Female locked unit last night. Natalie who I was working with kept thanking me for helping. I they're difficult but the boys aren't either. At least when the girls in this unit get out of control you have the option of locked timeout. I don't have that with the boys.

Alan has been called into work to do some field work today. So he'll have some money coming in again. Still hasn't given up on the job search in Chicago.

09:56 am

Alan got offered a job a week ago. It's for a national company and when he came back from the interview he described it as corporate hell. He wants to try to move out of St. Louis. I couldn't make him take a job he'll hate when he still hasn't given the job search in Chicago a real try. So I encouraged him to do what he really wanted and turn down the job. He's sending a nice formal email now rejecting the position. I just might of shot ourselves in the foot. I just need to keep chanting “we'll be alright”. Well, for awhile.

Meanwhile, the boys are still crazy. CD left for a foster home last week. PM couldn't take the daily crisis of TS anymore and striped Thursday with much slapping of arms on his part we somehow got him back into his clothes. Then decided he no longer wanted to share a room with JB. So he was moved to CD's old room. We've tried a penny jar for TS with each block of good behavior earning him a penny which he can turn in for an outing. It worked for awhile but the violent tantrums began again. Earning him two trips to the locked unit where he was placed in a timeout room. I'm running out of ideas with this one. The therapist and the rest of the staff are too. This is always dangerous. Things are just going to get worse and I'm my footsteps are getting heavier as I clock into work. The other boys are really getting feed up with TS too. Keep waiting for them to jump him all at once. So far I've been able to talk them down as they get worked up along with TS. I see a rough night coming. I don't see anyway of preventing it.

11:28 am

Had another incident last night at work over a pair of shorts. TS was after me all day to let him go down in the basement and get a pair of shorts. We went down to the storage room and found what looked like his bag because I recognized several of his summer clothes. He took out two pairs of shorts and changed. Soon after JJ arrived for an outing off campus. Looks at TS and says “Them my shorts”. Screaming starts. We get TS to take the shorts off to look for a name. There's no name but JJ describes how one of the belt loops is ripped in back. This only stirs TS up more. I then here pounding in his room. Him very loudly saying that he's going to kill himself. Bits his arm again which is his habit when upset. His birth mother would beat the crap out of him if he'd make a sound. This maybe a twisted coping skill for him. Anyway he gets out the front door still ranting about the shorts. Talking to him doesn't help I'm already one of the people trying to take his shorts away. Crisis comes out to talk with him. Sometimes all you need is someone else to talk to them. TS eats dinner with Matt from crisis. Comes back saying he's sorry. Later that night we talk about his desire to get out of the children's home to an ISL. Tell him about how it's the ones who have good behavior that get into the housing quickest. That's somewhat true funding is shit for the mental health now and you also need a social worker with a good mouth. Which he doesn't. She rarely even visits him. So this talk may backfire on me but TS has neurological as well as psychological issues that will forever prevent him from having perfect behavior so maybe not.

SB made me laugh yesterday. We were going for one of our walks around campus. He asks to do this with me a lot on Tuesdays if it's nice out. He knows staff has team this day. So if he asks me quiet enough I can leave with just him and there is still enough staff in the unit to watch the rest of the residents for awhile. Anyway we start to having one of our talks about nothing in general. He then spots his psychiatrist. Runs up to her with a big smile on his face says “I forgot to tell you , I'm having emotional problems”. Just the tone, face, and the words didn't seem to match which had me biting my tongue. His psychiatrist then says quite plain faced that yes I've been adjusting your meds lately but I'm glad you noticed.

In other news Alan came back yesterday. Picked me up from work, rubbed my back, and made me dinner which I'm quite happy about. He's now looking into applying for a job in Chicago. Decided not to mention anything about this to my family until he has the job. Haven't seen him this excited about something in awhile. He's even looking at apartments online there. At the moment he seems resolved to move to Chicago. I hope his hopes aren't dashed. I hope if they aren't I figure out the best way to tell my family and the boys I'm moving.

10:30 am - Picture's of Joanna's Baby

11:17 pm - Wimp

Alan's grandfather died over the weekend. He decided it would be best if I stayed here instead of trying to get out of work to go to the viewing and funeral. Work was eventful. PM acted out because JJ didn't want to switch rooms. The hit me routine started. He calmed down eventually and told me he was sorry. Nice thing is I told my co workers what was going on and one offered me a ride home so I didn't need to take a cab home. Another went junking today and bought me two pairs of pants for no reason. Sometimes I get so wrapped up on what the boys are doing I forget how supportive my coworkers can be. Alan should be back tomorrow but I won't see him till I finished a long 13 hour shift. It's only one night away from him. But now I have to make my own dinner (he does all the cooking) and I have no back rub to look forward to tonight. I' m lonely and such I wimp.

11:05 am - Meme, it's long, don't feel you need to read it

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: Mary was said to have stood on the rose of sharon bush as she was beamed up into heaven. My mom wanted middle name to be June after my great Aunt June. A lovely person that painted water colors and did crossword puzzles in pen. I think the first part was the BS my mom told the priest so he wouldn't bitch about me not having a saint name.
   
   2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? About a week and half ago I after a rough night at work. Alan hugged me in bed and said he was sorry all that happen today. A small tear ran down my face which a wiped away quickly. I try not to dwell too much on the bad days or I might talk myself into never going back.

   
   3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No. But most of the time it's readable as my coworkers are able to understand what I write in the boys daily logs.
   
   4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Veggie BBQ pork
   
   5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 8 that I work with. None that I live with.
   
   6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yeah, why not.
   
   7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Sometimes, then Alan calls me a smartass and pats my butt. I think I should use it more ; )
   
   8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No, not since preschool.
   
   9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes. It appears to be more safe then that old rope bridge I crossed in Tawain.
   
   10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Doughnut : )
   
   11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes, I tie them too tight to slip them off.
   
   13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Coffee

   
   14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If there interesting or not. Then I diagnosis them. Yeah she's bipolar. That's an aspie.
   
   15. RED OR PINK? What? Red
   
   16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? How much of a goofball I am. I am a nerd.
   
   17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Joanna. She's a mom and I can't really help her were I am. Plus, I still haven't met a new girlfriend to just go to dinner with or shopping with. Do all that girlie shit with.
   
   18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? No, not unless they want to. I'm wondering if anyone will really sit down and read all this.
   
   19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? None. I'm in my Asian linen robe now. I haven't gotten ready for the day yet.
   
   21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Water from the Aquarium.
   
   22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Red
   
   23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Alan. Veggie french onion soup. Warm kitty.
   
   24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My sister Nancy. She wants to go to lunch this Friday.
   
   25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Wasn't sent it. Just saw it on another person's blog.
   
   26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? None.
   
   27. HAIR COLOR? Red at the moment with some violet mixed in. Which I thought would stand out more. At the moment it looks black so next time I think I'll go with a lighter shade of purple.
   
   28. EYE COLOR? brown
   
   29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No. Glasses but maybe I should with PM breaking my glasses recently.
   
   30. FAVORITE FOOD? Anything veggie
   
   31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Inland Empire scared the crap out of me. The end of the Diving Bell and the Butterfly was bittersweet. I don't do straight happy endings. No such thing.
   
   32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The man who fell to earth with David Bowie.
   
   33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Still in black robe
   
   34 SUMMER OR WINTER? summer.
   
   35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both
   
   36. FAVORITE DESSERT? cheesecake
   
   37. IF YOU COULD MAKE A WISH..Somehow everyone I know mainly the boys will have fairly good lives.
   
   38. WHAT (in general) IRRITATES YOU? Abuse, Neglect, Indifference
   
   39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? None. I should read more.
   
   40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one
   
   41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? The man who fell to earth
   
   42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? My cats, Alan's voice, Iggy Pop, Andrew Bird, etc.
   
   43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Beatles.
   
   44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Tawain
   
   45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I have a talent for talking people through some pretty manic episodes
   
   46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Louis
   
   47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? anyone
   
   48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Vintage Vinyl

12:22 pm - The Run Down

I haven't done a run down of the boys in while so here it goes.

CD has mild out a bit since last year. Stays in his seat at school mostly. When he raged he now cries or yells out a few choice words at us. If all goes well he'll be leaving us for a foster family soon.

PM is has been isolating himself lately. Sending more time in his room then in the past. I can't complain. Because he has his habit of when a another resident is raging going turning to me and saying “hit me”. Then he'll start slapping and if you don't get a hold of him soon enough he'll either pull at your clothes or strip. Obviously reliving past abuse.

SB stole 300 dollars from his grandparents last Christmas and went on a shopping spree. His punishment was no weekend home visits for a month and he has to hand over his allowance to his grandparents for awhile. Very manic recently as he was the one who got so upset over that book.

CH still can't help himself around cell phones. Stole another one recently, called 911, then handled the phone to EG to do all the talking. He likes this yogurt that I've been buying and if he is good I'll give him one. He had the nerve last night to ask me for one. Yeah he had a fairly good day but he just got caught stealing. Told him not to expect any yogurt from me for awhile. He stuck his lip out and told EG was the one who stole the cell. Still won't own up to his poor choices. Residential treatment is what is keeping him alive now. If tries to leave at 18 like he's talking he'll get eaten alive out there.

JJ is the newest resident. He's a bit loud and tells PM at to say inappropriate things. Plus he appears to be grooming TS for future sexual activity. They both have histories of abuse. We just have there rooms on separate hallways. Try to keep a close watch on them.

TS is new also. Suffers from several head injuries due to the constant abuse of his birth mother. It was reported that she'd beat him when he made a sound and kept in the closest. His foster mom wouldn't say no to be. So now TS has a bit of a problem when hearing that word. He'll bit and pull at his skin. Even bang his head against a wall when is full crisis mode. We're trying but those first few years of life are hard to erase.

EG will be moving back to Southern Missouri in May not because he's doing well. He got frustrated just last week and broke an alarm at school costing 1,200 dollars. But because they haven't the funds in the small town he's from to keep him at ECH. So he's going back to his parents were there is suspected sexual abuse. He'll write letters to his mother that sound like ones you would give a girlfriend. For Christmas he gave me this large white bear holding a heart. EG has some mother issues. Also is easily lend into doing this like walking into a convenience store with a gun. He's not going to stabilize by May and he is not far from turning 18. I just don't see a pleasant future for him at the moment.

JB is will soon be diagnosed with schizophrenia when he reaches 18. Loves animals and can be very sweet at times. But his thoughts can be twisted in his head and the whole world can be mad at him. This then causes some aggression of which my back has just now recovered from.

As for the one I'm living with Alan. At the moment he is taking the lay off well. Started baking bread while I'm at work. Says he's going to start painting more. In between he has applied for jobs. Monday night I opened the door to the car to have a snowball thrown at me. Last night after we park the car in our apartment's basement garage. He called he over to listen to how quiet it was outside with all the snow absorbing the sound. I looked at him and again thought we're going to make it through this. We have to. I love him too much to be separated by like money.

10:12 am - SHORT AND SWEET

Joanna's baby was born on 1/19. The name is Violet. She's about 6 pounds. Couldn't get a hold of her for a week. Now, I know why. Mom had a C-section and is trying to recover from that while caring for Violet. But her parents are flying in soon so that should help.

The boys seem to be cycling down. We actually played a game together Thursday.

Just need to get Alan a new job. On the plus side we get spend all this time together.Hopefully we make it through.

08:31 am - More on my fucked up week

The economic crisis has now become very personal. Never mind the fact that work is now hurting for donations. Alan came home yesterday to say that he has been demoted as of this coming Monday and is now hourly instead of salary. He was part of the environmental department that tests the soil and finds the history of a property before it's bought. Well, no ones building or buying property so his place of work is suffering. They are now reviewing their situation weekly and making adjustments. But since Alan's new position depends on if they have any actual field work he'll most likely be spending next week at home looking for a job.

I have some money saved and the inheritance from my Aunt June has yet to be touched. So I think we'll be alright for awhile. So does anyone have any work for a masters level geologist?

10:46 am - The week so far

It's been a rough week so far.

Monday JU got upset because he was redirected for cursing out a peer then given an early bedtime. Got the thought in his head that now everyone was mad at him. This is dangerous because he's on some powerful anti-psychics and is currently going through a phase were his doctor is trying to see if she can ween him down to a lower dose. Well, as history as shown JU seems to really need the higher. Monday he started banging on his walls so hard that there is now a crack you can see on both sides of the wall. The coworker who have him the early bed went to his room and JU attack him. Next thing I know I'm on the floor trying to hold JU's legs down preventing my coworker and me from being kicked in the face. As I was bouncing up and down on his legs I was reminded of those animal program JU seems to enjoy watching so much. Any minute he is going into a death roll and we are all screwed. Thankfully he calmed. We had him sit in what is now the transition room since given the states rules on the level of function of these kids we are not allowed a locked timeout room in our unit. I get their reasoning but in practice I think it adds a level of danger to staff and others that is unnecessary. Back to Monday, as we sat him down he started crying. No longer the wild beast who wanted to rip me to pieces but the sweet boy who will hug me hello and good night on the days I work. I just sat there on the mattress we brought in from his room waiting for him to talk. Finally he said he wanted to talk to Ms. Lock who coincidently works in the locked unit beside us and is JU former staff. Called her they were going through their own crisis. Asked him if he wanted to talked to his grandpa. JU tried talking to his grandpa but again burst into tears. He handed me the phone. I asked he if he wanted me to talk to him. Told how JU is having a rough night and I'm trying to get him to take his evening meds(so far he has refused three times). I hand JU back the phone since he seems ready to talk. I hear CH ask for his “stuff” as he calls it which is a powder that helps him have a BM since his meds back him up. Your supposed to put it in any liquid and if he has a good day I give him part of my diet soda with it. I get the diet soda from the staff refrigerator. Pour it in front the open door room JU is in. He looks up as I'm pouring. Ask him if he at least wants to take his powder tonight. He nods his head. Pour the other half of the soda in a cup with some powder. He drinks it. Now, he says I'll take his meds. He takes them. Decides that he wants to sleep in the transition room tonight. Finally Mondays over.

Tuesday was JU's service plan review. Although a lot of it was positive with scattered with his struggles with his meds. JU seemed to be only able to focus on the negative. Shortly getting back to the unit JU walked out. Thankfully he only walked up to the treatment center to find his therapist. Told him that he wasn't feeling safe and wanted to send the night in House 2 (his former unit). He came down with his therapist and got a few things. Told him I'd see him later. S is going through a manic phase. He had four of his peers ready to jump him due to his comments while they were supposed to be doing a regroup. To much was going on to switch everyone's rooms tonight. Decided that S should sleep in the transition room tonight. He yelled and screamed about it but he went in there and to show there was no hard feelings he opened the transition room's door and said good night. Tuesday is over.

Now Wednesday and time to rest up for the next round.

09:33 am - Broken

Last night PH got upset has he has a tendency to do when one of his peers gets loud. He grabbed my glasses and in his adrenaline fueled episode he crumbled them like a piece paper. I now have a few minor cuts on my face that I received while taking the sharp remains out of his hand. Now I'm wearing Alan's glasses till I get to the mall to either get a new frame or a brand new pair.

Later that night S's grandmother inform me that he could have a wizardology book with a small wand in it (she was worried that he would try to harm himself with it). But the stipulation was that he give the book to staff at the end of the night. My coworker went to get the book from S. Found him perched on one of the shelfs with a hood over him bent over the book like he was praying. Well, when my coworker asked for the book S freaked. Tried to attack staff. Later calmed down and went to bed. Needless to say S isn't getting the book back since he broke a promise to his grandmother and his wizardology interest has reached an unhealthy level.

At the end of the night Alan picked me up and informed that the faucet to the shower is broken. Can't take a shower till the maintenance guy shows up today which was supposed to be an hour and a half ago. I needed to shower and get glasses before work. I hope he shows up soon or my job's hope of me showing up today will be broken.

02:43 pm - No real order

I have ignored this journal. When I was unemployed and single it seems I had nothing to do but go on and on about how bored I was. How stuck I was. Just waiting for live to start. Well, life has happened. Since my last entry life kept moving never pausing on this little spot in space to sort it all out. Now, I have no idea were to start. Events are just spinning around my head with no real order.

Ran into my old friend Peggy in Target right before Christmas. Someone I went to college with and worked with at Missouri Institute of Mental Health with. She in in fact recommended me for the research position had there. Two white chicks cruised through North St. Louis together with various surveys and lived. Now, she is married with a two year old son. Working as a paralegal for a law firm in Clayton. We were poor working for non for profits together. Talked about the way the world should be. Didn't need money. We were making some sort of difference. Now, Peggy needs money and talks the same legal jargon as the people from my old temp job. Handed me her business card. Told me to call her some time. I still haven't. Not sure what say to her.

Worked another Christmas at the children's home although it wasn't as hard my first one. At least I got to spend Christmas Eve with my family. My job is still stressful, somewhat dangerous, and at times I feel it takes too much away from my personal life or I'm really making much of a difference. Then there are moments like last night one of the boys hugged me good night. Or last Monday one of told me they missed me since I called off Sunday. It's then I get it hopeful maybe I am doing something worthwhile.

Alan still is doing well. Hasn't had a drink in months. It's like having a new boyfriend almost. Recently he told that he wants to start weening himself off the Lamotrigine that he has been using to manage bipolar disorder. Wants to see what he is like chemical free. It's his body. I'm not going to force take meds he doesn't want. I just worry what it might do to us. We seem to be doing so well at the moment.

Anyway, hi to anyone who might still be interested in this journal.

09:19 am

Well, I have been quite lazy with the updates lately. CU got caught having sex in school. Was put on house restriction then punched all of the male staff of the unit at least once including my supervisor. So now he has assault charges pending. Next he talked one of the other residents into giving him his psp which he traded at school for a cell phone.

The rest of them have been fairly stable at the moment. S came in the unit election day and announced that he voted for Lincoln. Then PM came in with lots of enthusiasm for an autistic and said that he voted for McCain. I like to think that given how limited his verbal skills are that McCain was just easier for him to say then Obama.

On of Alan's aunts died last night. He went through in the car after picking me up from work last night on how I didn't need to go with him to the funeral but of course I'm going. Then he made me dinner and rubbed my back on the futon. He talked about a recent conversation he had with his Dad. Alan felt a bit sorry for not visiting his aunt in the hospital. But given his low self esteem at times he can't see how anyone would want to see him. His dad told him when you love someone you know they have flaws but it doesn't matter. It was then I kissed Alan and told his father was a very wise man.

So I watched Fritz Lang's Metropolis finally over the weekend. It's about a very dark future were the workers live underground and the corporate elite live on the surface with wonderful Gothic skyscrapers. It has loads of religious references including the seven dying sins. With special effects far beyond it's time. Even Hitler is reported to have liked it.

08:00 am - How to get kicked out of my unit

Have a psychotic episode that will land you in a psychiatric hospital.  Bang your nose against the bedroom door till it  bleeds, spatter blood all over the room, striped, then jacked off. All the while trying to spit blood on staff, calling them call sorts of names, and their family.

The unit is so much calmer now since that child has left.

10:26 am

The Internet was down so I haven't been able to write much at all. Now I don't know were to start. So here's some half-assed highlights:

I and another person I work with were sexually assaulted by a child we just got in. He pulledmy shirt down and said he wanted to see my tits. Snaked his hand down the inside of another person's pants during a restraint. It shook me up a bit. And it was hard enough writing the incident report on it for work so I don't feel like going into anymore detail now.

Joanna is officially having a healthy baby girl. She still hasn't a job and is at the mercy of her family at the moment. But I'm still hoping she'll be ok in the end.

My sisters want me to go on a weekend get away with them to Chicago. If I asked for a Sunday off I would most likely get a no because someone just quit. I am debating on if I should just call in sick because it would leave someone who is still new to this job alone with the boys or perhaps force someone to stay more then 12 hours with the boys. Is getting out of town really worth fucking one or two people over?

Alan and I are still doing well for  the most part.

09:30 am - And boy are my arms tired

Last Tuesday PM had a service plan review. His father showed up for the meeting (the very least he could do). He tried to leave peacefully. Unfortunately, PM happened to be leaving to go on an outing to the store to pick up a few things for a resident's birthday party. P's father said “hi” then got on his bike. And there stood PM pointing in the direction the bike was. Saying “ It's my Dad”. Now, if PM wasn't autistic he could perhaps verbalize what a piece of shit his father is.

Instead whenever another resident decides to cycle up and act out. He decides to express his frustration by turning to me saying “hit me” then charges at me. So far I've had to restrain poor PM four times. Yesterday while the new kid T decided to throw a fit over being corrected for having his Ipod up so loud it was disturbing the other residents. PM started up again. This time I walked right past him handed the Ipod I confiscated to Tina. Watched T storm into his room. Then walked out into the TV area. Decided that my arms are too sour for this today and somehow got PM to sit in the nearest chair. Stood before him with my arms folded as he pounded on the armrest saying “Hit me and Fuck you” I just shook my head. Then I heard a crash from T's room. Tina walked up to his room to see what he was breaking now. Heard T say to her that he was cutting himself. She gave him the same disinterested look we all have learned to give. T wants you react and storm in so he can fight you. But when he realizes he isn't getting one he cools. Next I hear PM say I want to go outside. I let him run out of the unit but follow close behind him. He gets up to the main building were he last saw his father. Opens its doors and heads towards the conference room. I get him to sit in a chair outside the conference room door were I once lead him to meet all the people who would be working on his case. It also was the last time he actually got to talk to his father. He sat crying like an infant. Saying he wanted to go home. I knelt down before him. I said I know. Took his hand in mine and I heard him say he wanted to go for a walk. And we did. We didn't say much to each other. Then again It's not possible for me to have in real conversation with PM. He pointed out squirrels to me. Then turned and said I'm sorry. Hugged him and said it's going to be ok. Just I hope I'm right.

06:13 pm - my plan

My plan is to do a proper update later sometime this week. But with the job, boyfriend, and a family that sometimes thinks I never see them that may not happen. So here's some quick bits of information on my life.

Joanna as been found after I couldn't get in touch with her for a few weeks. Now, living near her aunts so at least I know she's got some family with her. Haven't had time to call her yet but again I plan to.

New kid as arrived at my unit. T is of the bipolar, sex offender, sexually abused, asperger, possible eating disorder variety. He told me that he arrived in chains with the police at his last place. Thankfully, I just had to walk up to the main building, chat a little with his foster mom, and he walked quite nicely with me to my unit. So far there has just been one incident where he took apart a model car then stuck one of its nails in his mouth. He was talk into taking it out of his mouth and he went to bed peacefully.

FINALLY BACK TO 40 HOURS INSTEAD OF 50!!!!

Going to see a midnight showing of Wild at Heart tonight.

Survived Six Flags with all the boys this week.

Feeling much more rested.

10:25 am - Yesterday Evening

I am so tired. When I go to work today this will be my sixth day straight. The part-time prn, Maame has quit because my supervisor was working her 54 hours a week. When I got back from vacation she told that she was going on nine days straight. I care for the boys very much but I need my time away from them and if things don't change soon I am going have to quit to preserve my sanity. I thought that I could make yesterday till I had two crisises going on at once. P was mad he didn't win at Bingo last night which resulted him going into his bitter old man routine which usually sets CU off even if P's comments are nowhere near directed at him. Prevent a fight. Get P to his room to cool off. Note in my head to in about 15 minutes attempt to give him this meds. I know Tina who I'm working with at the moment hasn't had a day off in awhile with working both this job and her job couch position. She's getting as cranky as the kids. She asks me where A is ( A is back on respite because his grandma is in the hospital). He said he was going back to the unit when I was up at the main building with the others. Walk outside to find that he's out with another house playing basketball. Redirect him to go in the unit he goes off in this tantrum about how every one else is out, we don't run him, and he doesn't really live here anymore. Fine I'm not going to drag him all the way to the unit. Let him be and check on him later if he doesn't come in soon. A comes in the door 30 minutes later requests his meds. Then Tina decides that this is the perfect time to tell A he won't be going outside on his own anymore if he comes back for respite. At that A is off in a full on manic episode. Screaming at Tina then yelling because he can't find his cup. Decides to rush down to the basement. I follow to find that he has decided to use the laundry detergent cap as a cup. First thing he tells me is “I washed it out”. I begin to explain how it's not a good idea to drink out of that when one of the huge guys from crisis shows, Reggie. Reggie directs him to the office. Then gets on his cell for one of the giants who works it the locked male unit come. Great, were going to intimidate A into submission. Lucky, it's Drake who is actually one of the muscles with brains around campus. Comes in and sits on the office sofa like he has just come in for a simple chat. Reggie takes Drake's lead and thankfully start talking A down. I sit with them adding comments and clarification as to what A is taking about. After he has cooled of he's direct to his room. After Reggie and Drake leave A calls for me. We talk again about what happened. No I'm not mad. A admits he was being stupid but he just doesn't like this place. A few more things are said then a quick goodnight. Do a room check. Everyone was sent to their rooms during A's episode but it's now bedtime so they can't come out. Open C's door. He's fast asleep, the rare time he's still. S is at his grandparent's now. No need to check on him. Open PM's door. He lifts his head up. Tell him goodnight and sorry for the noise. Being autistic he's very sensitive to noise levels. I'm thankfully he didn't get upset and come out of his room completely naked. Also make a comment on how well he just did. He nods then lays his head back on his pillow. CU is just listening to music in his bed. Just talked to A. P has his headphones on like CU.

Walk back to the office and crash on the sofa. In thirty minutes I can leave. Tina and I are waiting for Debra to come to watch over the boys tonight. Tina keeps talking about leaving now but then starts a load of towels in the basement. Then starts talking to someone on her cell as we both watch the clock. It's now 10pm, Debra should be here any moment. Tina asks if I'm good and I see her to the door. I see Alan driving up to pick me up. I ask Tina to tell him I'll be right there as she walks out the door. She then immediately heads back to the front door tells me to go ahead she'll wait. I say “you sure”. But I don't put up much of an argument as I head to the office for my bag. Walk out. Get in the car. I ask Alan about his day. He's in a good mood things haven't been that stressful for him at work. He asks about me. I say it's “fucked up” as I blink back tears that he can't see cause it's too dark and at the moment he's watching the road. Immediately change the subject back to him. Ask him about one of his projects. I will not cry. Want the evening to at least end well. Walk into the apartment to the smell of veggie chili cooking on the stove. We eat. Watch a little T.V. Go to bed. I start kissing him good night. I hear him say “we should be going to bedroom trouble maker” in the dark. I say you want me to stop as I start kissing him lower. I hear a no through a moan. The evening did end well.

09:37 am

Hello, how are you all doing?

Me, I've been working extra hours since one the overnight person had to take some time off because her father died unexpectedly. They had me working 50 hours a week with my only Dad off being Saturday. But Debra from another house said she would work my Friday. I just emailed my supervisor about the change. Didn't even ask. Why? Because I came back from vacation to the fucked up schedule and wasn't even asked if it would be alright to take away my Wednesday and Friday. I wouldn't mind working extra hours if he was doing it too. I see the other supervisors doing it.

So how are the boys doing?

PM has started to strip more when frustrated. Franita was trying to get him ready for summer school. They argued over how he was brushing his teeth. He came to us with some severe dental problems so we are trying to let him keep what teeth he has. Anyway, she gets him out the door and PM proceeds to strip all the way up to the bus stop flashing everyone up there. One of the overnight supervisors got him to put his clothes back on without too much of a fuss. Now, we have to call the main building before we send the boys up to meet the school bus. I have also started brushing my teeth with PM every night I've worked since. He follows along with me and eventually PM will be able to do it on his own.

I hope.

CU and P have finally ended their feud. Which has also caused PM much anxiety. I had to direct PM to stop striping while CU and P were going at I one Sunday. PM was at the dinner table and started yelling Fuck you to everyone and walked off while pulling up his shirt. But he didn't get naked. He'll stop if you stop him quick enough.

C is hyper as ever but their have no real incidents to report at this moment. He got himself invited to an activity at another house. Then lied to one of the new staff when he was asked when he needed to be back in his own house. So when he asked if he could go to the gym with the other house yesterday and I refused his request stating why. He didn't give me much of a debate about it. So I played volley ball with him outside till I needed to start their dinner.

S has been S lately. His social worker took him to a water park recently and he refused to go down the water slid. This is funny because he is also talking about how he wants to jump off buildings and get caught in tornadoes. Has a chance to be a daredevil and refuses.

Recently saw Mongol http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1808754771/info which was a nice action flix with an actual story and Gonzo http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809963971/info Hunter S. Thompson's life always makes for an interesting story but I really didn't learn anything new about him from this film.

Friday I got this email from Joanna:

Dear Sharon,

        I really appreciate the care package. I needed that. Sent Billy off today to the Philippines to be with his girlfriend. Hopefully, everything turns out good for him. I'm feeling a little down. Guess feeling alone here. Thanks a lot I really appreciate it. Your the best friend a friend could ever have. You've always been by my side and supported me. Your the best. My parents are being critical and unsupportive. Just keep blaming me for everything. That's it's all my fault. Dianna is acting so cold and distant. When I need support the most seems like my parents and little sister turn their back on me. Don't they understand how much it hurts my feeling knowing my parents can't at least be there for me. I am trying to be optimistic. Hopefully, some luck or something turns my way because I could sure use it. Sorry for babbling on.

Joanna

So of course I called and talked with her until I had to go to work. Unfortunately this is what I feared. Her being alone and pregnant.