rimkuss

03:07 pm - Random Bits

Saw Andrew Bird then Morrissey. Both great shows in different ways.

Went to Alan's grandmother Pre-Easter dinner the Saturday before it. After Alan looked in his parents' garage for various things he had been meaning to take to the apartment. One was a bowel of go stones that had been closed since 1994. When we got home he jokily said that's see if it smells like 1994. We open it to find the snow white stones scattered with drops of blood. Oh, he remarks this is from that night I slit my wrist. I know before we met that he had made two failed suicide attempts. Knowing and seeing bits of evidence that it occurred shocked me then made me thankful that he failed and was still living.

Easter Sunday I pestered him to take me to work. It's usually when I stop and do something else that he finally gets up. Went to the bathroom then walked to the living room were I found me sitting on the futon were he tells me with a big smile “I have risen”. I smile and kiss his forehead. Get to work and celebrate Easter with the boys. I call my family during a break in the day and get homesick. Decided if James and John both show up for their 3-10 shift that I'm taking three hours personal time so I can have Easter with my family. They show up and I leave at 5pm. The first Easter I had with my family in two years.

PM had to have three teeth pulled his week. It was decided in team that I should go with him since for reason he listens to me. It was decided he would make it through the ordeal if he was anethesized. I kept him calm while we waited for the doctor to arrive. Asked him what he might want to do for his birthday and what you think we should do this summer. The doctor walks in and PM goes quiet and watches the doctor closely as he examines PM's X-rays. The doctor asks me if he understands English. I say quite frankly he understands perfectly he's just autistic. I watch the doctor start an IV. I hear PM say “Ouch” then there is a slight panic I his face. I then look straight into his eyes and say “it's ok”. He body goes very still then they put the mask over his face as they tell him to breathe in. I watch his eyes close they tell me to wait outside. I sit in the waiting room thinking I hope he still talks to me after this. An hour or so passes and say that PM is waking up and they'll bring him out soon. The nurse gently leads him out the door to the waiting room. PM looks at me and says “my teeth”. Respond “I know”. We return to the unit. He doesn't want to rest and says he's hungry. I get him some jelly and mashed potatoes. He tries to his pacing around the unit which is a routine of his but has I see him start to stumble I tell him to sit down on the sofa with me. We watch cartoons together till my coworker Chrishawn walks in. For some reason he doesn't care much for him and goes to his room to listen to his radio. Later that afternoon I get him out of his room long enough to talk to his Therapist who brought her dog in to cheer PM up. We watch him examine the dog and the softness of its fur. He then rests in this room till dinner were I make him some Spagettio's I brought from home. I then get to leave at seven since I had to come in early to deal with PM. The boys say goodbye and confirm that I'll be back Sunday.

Now, I'm just waiting for Alan to come home. Writing gibberish.

11:49 am

Hello I signed on meaning to tell you more of the series of the events that somehow make up my life. Got distracted by reading one of the_pretend_me  's journal entries. Now, I'm have played “under pressure” three times in a row http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsSlNFTjxss. Bowie is a god. I don't even care that he's prettier then me ; )

TS is now in the hospital. The walking out of the unit then ironically throwing rocks on the rock road and of course self injury lead to it.

CD moved to his new foster home.

PM seems to be calmer now that there is less noise in the unit.

SB is still obsessed with video games but will go for walks with me at times and will even ask to. Came back from a home visit arguing with his grandmother about painting his nails black then ripping one of his shirts so he could wear it as a vest. His grandmother wants him to listen to things like the high school musical soundtrack. SB isn't attracted to things like that. He wants to be Robert Smith or Angus Young or a combination of the two.

CH is turning 18 in two weeks and won't let anyone forget it.

JJ got into a verbal altercation with one of the other staff. Got real loud and raised his fists at the staff. But this particular staff grew up in East St. Louis and did two tours of duty in the middle east. JJ's IQ maybe low but he was of mind enough not to step out of his room and let it go further than that.

EG is still counting the days till when he leaves in May (due to lack of funding not that he's any better). Behavior at school is getting worse because as he has told me himself “it doesn't matter, I'm leaving anyway”.

JB has been moved up another level in the behavioral plan his therapist has constructed for him. Just needs to move up one more level and he'll be able to move to a less restrictive unit were he'll be able to have a job and just be overall more independent.

Had to work half of my shift in the Female locked unit last night. Natalie who I was working with kept thanking me for helping. I they're difficult but the boys aren't either. At least when the girls in this unit get out of control you have the option of locked timeout. I don't have that with the boys.

Alan has been called into work to do some field work today. So he'll have some money coming in again. Still hasn't given up on the job search in Chicago.

09:56 am

Alan got offered a job a week ago. It's for a national company and when he came back from the interview he described it as corporate hell. He wants to try to move out of St. Louis. I couldn't make him take a job he'll hate when he still hasn't given the job search in Chicago a real try. So I encouraged him to do what he really wanted and turn down the job. He's sending a nice formal email now rejecting the position. I just might of shot ourselves in the foot. I just need to keep chanting “we'll be alright”. Well, for awhile.

Meanwhile, the boys are still crazy. CD left for a foster home last week. PM couldn't take the daily crisis of TS anymore and striped Thursday with much slapping of arms on his part we somehow got him back into his clothes. Then decided he no longer wanted to share a room with JB. So he was moved to CD's old room. We've tried a penny jar for TS with each block of good behavior earning him a penny which he can turn in for an outing. It worked for awhile but the violent tantrums began again. Earning him two trips to the locked unit where he was placed in a timeout room. I'm running out of ideas with this one. The therapist and the rest of the staff are too. This is always dangerous. Things are just going to get worse and I'm my footsteps are getting heavier as I clock into work. The other boys are really getting feed up with TS too. Keep waiting for them to jump him all at once. So far I've been able to talk them down as they get worked up along with TS. I see a rough night coming. I don't see anyway of preventing it.

11:28 am

Had another incident last night at work over a pair of shorts. TS was after me all day to let him go down in the basement and get a pair of shorts. We went down to the storage room and found what looked like his bag because I recognized several of his summer clothes. He took out two pairs of shorts and changed. Soon after JJ arrived for an outing off campus. Looks at TS and says “Them my shorts”. Screaming starts. We get TS to take the shorts off to look for a name. There's no name but JJ describes how one of the belt loops is ripped in back. This only stirs TS up more. I then here pounding in his room. Him very loudly saying that he's going to kill himself. Bits his arm again which is his habit when upset. His birth mother would beat the crap out of him if he'd make a sound. This maybe a twisted coping skill for him. Anyway he gets out the front door still ranting about the shorts. Talking to him doesn't help I'm already one of the people trying to take his shorts away. Crisis comes out to talk with him. Sometimes all you need is someone else to talk to them. TS eats dinner with Matt from crisis. Comes back saying he's sorry. Later that night we talk about his desire to get out of the children's home to an ISL. Tell him about how it's the ones who have good behavior that get into the housing quickest. That's somewhat true funding is shit for the mental health now and you also need a social worker with a good mouth. Which he doesn't. She rarely even visits him. So this talk may backfire on me but TS has neurological as well as psychological issues that will forever prevent him from having perfect behavior so maybe not.

SB made me laugh yesterday. We were going for one of our walks around campus. He asks to do this with me a lot on Tuesdays if it's nice out. He knows staff has team this day. So if he asks me quiet enough I can leave with just him and there is still enough staff in the unit to watch the rest of the residents for awhile. Anyway we start to having one of our talks about nothing in general. He then spots his psychiatrist. Runs up to her with a big smile on his face says “I forgot to tell you , I'm having emotional problems”. Just the tone, face, and the words didn't seem to match which had me biting my tongue. His psychiatrist then says quite plain faced that yes I've been adjusting your meds lately but I'm glad you noticed.

In other news Alan came back yesterday. Picked me up from work, rubbed my back, and made me dinner which I'm quite happy about. He's now looking into applying for a job in Chicago. Decided not to mention anything about this to my family until he has the job. Haven't seen him this excited about something in awhile. He's even looking at apartments online there. At the moment he seems resolved to move to Chicago. I hope his hopes aren't dashed. I hope if they aren't I figure out the best way to tell my family and the boys I'm moving.

10:30 am - Picture's of Joanna's Baby

11:17 pm - Wimp

Alan's grandfather died over the weekend. He decided it would be best if I stayed here instead of trying to get out of work to go to the viewing and funeral. Work was eventful. PM acted out because JJ didn't want to switch rooms. The hit me routine started. He calmed down eventually and told me he was sorry. Nice thing is I told my co workers what was going on and one offered me a ride home so I didn't need to take a cab home. Another went junking today and bought me two pairs of pants for no reason. Sometimes I get so wrapped up on what the boys are doing I forget how supportive my coworkers can be. Alan should be back tomorrow but I won't see him till I finished a long 13 hour shift. It's only one night away from him. But now I have to make my own dinner (he does all the cooking) and I have no back rub to look forward to tonight. I' m lonely and such I wimp.

11:05 am - Meme, it's long, don't feel you need to read it

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: Mary was said to have stood on the rose of sharon bush as she was beamed up into heaven. My mom wanted middle name to be June after my great Aunt June. A lovely person that painted water colors and did crossword puzzles in pen. I think the first part was the BS my mom told the priest so he wouldn't bitch about me not having a saint name.
   
   2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? About a week and half ago I after a rough night at work. Alan hugged me in bed and said he was sorry all that happen today. A small tear ran down my face which a wiped away quickly. I try not to dwell too much on the bad days or I might talk myself into never going back.

   
   3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No. But most of the time it's readable as my coworkers are able to understand what I write in the boys daily logs.
   
   4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Veggie BBQ pork
   
   5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 8 that I work with. None that I live with.
   
   6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yeah, why not.
   
   7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Sometimes, then Alan calls me a smartass and pats my butt. I think I should use it more ; )
   
   8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No, not since preschool.
   
   9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes. It appears to be more safe then that old rope bridge I crossed in Tawain.
   
   10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Doughnut : )
   
   11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes, I tie them too tight to slip them off.
   
   13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Coffee

   
   14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If there interesting or not. Then I diagnosis them. Yeah she's bipolar. That's an aspie.
   
   15. RED OR PINK? What? Red
   
   16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? How much of a goofball I am. I am a nerd.
   
   17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Joanna. She's a mom and I can't really help her were I am. Plus, I still haven't met a new girlfriend to just go to dinner with or shopping with. Do all that girlie shit with.
   
   18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? No, not unless they want to. I'm wondering if anyone will really sit down and read all this.
   
   19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? None. I'm in my Asian linen robe now. I haven't gotten ready for the day yet.
   
   21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Water from the Aquarium.
   
   22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Red
   
   23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Alan. Veggie french onion soup. Warm kitty.
   
   24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My sister Nancy. She wants to go to lunch this Friday.
   
   25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Wasn't sent it. Just saw it on another person's blog.
   
   26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? None.
   
   27. HAIR COLOR? Red at the moment with some violet mixed in. Which I thought would stand out more. At the moment it looks black so next time I think I'll go with a lighter shade of purple.
   
   28. EYE COLOR? brown
   
   29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No. Glasses but maybe I should with PM breaking my glasses recently.
   
   30. FAVORITE FOOD? Anything veggie
   
   31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Inland Empire scared the crap out of me. The end of the Diving Bell and the Butterfly was bittersweet. I don't do straight happy endings. No such thing.
   
   32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The man who fell to earth with David Bowie.
   
   33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Still in black robe
   
   34 SUMMER OR WINTER? summer.
   
   35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both
   
   36. FAVORITE DESSERT? cheesecake
   
   37. IF YOU COULD MAKE A WISH..Somehow everyone I know mainly the boys will have fairly good lives.
   
   38. WHAT (in general) IRRITATES YOU? Abuse, Neglect, Indifference
   
   39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? None. I should read more.
   
   40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one
   
   41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? The man who fell to earth
   
   42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? My cats, Alan's voice, Iggy Pop, Andrew Bird, etc.
   
   43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Beatles.
   
   44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Tawain
   
   45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I have a talent for talking people through some pretty manic episodes
   
   46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Louis
   
   47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? anyone
   
   48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Vintage Vinyl

12:22 pm - The Run Down

I haven't done a run down of the boys in while so here it goes.

CD has mild out a bit since last year. Stays in his seat at school mostly. When he raged he now cries or yells out a few choice words at us. If all goes well he'll be leaving us for a foster family soon.

PM is has been isolating himself lately. Sending more time in his room then in the past. I can't complain. Because he has his habit of when a another resident is raging going turning to me and saying “hit me”. Then he'll start slapping and if you don't get a hold of him soon enough he'll either pull at your clothes or strip. Obviously reliving past abuse.

SB stole 300 dollars from his grandparents last Christmas and went on a shopping spree. His punishment was no weekend home visits for a month and he has to hand over his allowance to his grandparents for awhile. Very manic recently as he was the one who got so upset over that book.

CH still can't help himself around cell phones. Stole another one recently, called 911, then handled the phone to EG to do all the talking. He likes this yogurt that I've been buying and if he is good I'll give him one. He had the nerve last night to ask me for one. Yeah he had a fairly good day but he just got caught stealing. Told him not to expect any yogurt from me for awhile. He stuck his lip out and told EG was the one who stole the cell. Still won't own up to his poor choices. Residential treatment is what is keeping him alive now. If tries to leave at 18 like he's talking he'll get eaten alive out there.

JJ is the newest resident. He's a bit loud and tells PM at to say inappropriate things. Plus he appears to be grooming TS for future sexual activity. They both have histories of abuse. We just have there rooms on separate hallways. Try to keep a close watch on them.

TS is new also. Suffers from several head injuries due to the constant abuse of his birth mother. It was reported that she'd beat him when he made a sound and kept in the closest. His foster mom wouldn't say no to be. So now TS has a bit of a problem when hearing that word. He'll bit and pull at his skin. Even bang his head against a wall when is full crisis mode. We're trying but those first few years of life are hard to erase.

EG will be moving back to Southern Missouri in May not because he's doing well. He got frustrated just last week and broke an alarm at school costing 1,200 dollars. But because they haven't the funds in the small town he's from to keep him at ECH. So he's going back to his parents were there is suspected sexual abuse. He'll write letters to his mother that sound like ones you would give a girlfriend. For Christmas he gave me this large white bear holding a heart. EG has some mother issues. Also is easily lend into doing this like walking into a convenience store with a gun. He's not going to stabilize by May and he is not far from turning 18. I just don't see a pleasant future for him at the moment.

JB is will soon be diagnosed with schizophrenia when he reaches 18. Loves animals and can be very sweet at times. But his thoughts can be twisted in his head and the whole world can be mad at him. This then causes some aggression of which my back has just now recovered from.

As for the one I'm living with Alan. At the moment he is taking the lay off well. Started baking bread while I'm at work. Says he's going to start painting more. In between he has applied for jobs. Monday night I opened the door to the car to have a snowball thrown at me. Last night after we park the car in our apartment's basement garage. He called he over to listen to how quiet it was outside with all the snow absorbing the sound. I looked at him and again thought we're going to make it through this. We have to. I love him too much to be separated by like money.

10:12 am - SHORT AND SWEET

Joanna's baby was born on 1/19. The name is Violet. She's about 6 pounds. Couldn't get a hold of her for a week. Now, I know why. Mom had a C-section and is trying to recover from that while caring for Violet. But her parents are flying in soon so that should help.

The boys seem to be cycling down. We actually played a game together Thursday.

Just need to get Alan a new job. On the plus side we get spend all this time together.Hopefully we make it through.

08:31 am - More on my fucked up week

The economic crisis has now become very personal. Never mind the fact that work is now hurting for donations. Alan came home yesterday to say that he has been demoted as of this coming Monday and is now hourly instead of salary. He was part of the environmental department that tests the soil and finds the history of a property before it's bought. Well, no ones building or buying property so his place of work is suffering. They are now reviewing their situation weekly and making adjustments. But since Alan's new position depends on if they have any actual field work he'll most likely be spending next week at home looking for a job.

I have some money saved and the inheritance from my Aunt June has yet to be touched. So I think we'll be alright for awhile. So does anyone have any work for a masters level geologist?